Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Paranoid or perceptive?

TSO might be one of those:

But I feel a bit discombobulated mostly by the gimlet eye of my bosses’ boss who is not gay (he’s married with kids) but who feels the same sort of compulsion to look at me that I feel towards a buxom girl. He travels by my cube at least five times a day and has clever and self-aware eyes that he holds in a perpetual half-squint as if out of vanity. I can see him out of the corner of my eye looking at me as he passes by. Don't think I don't know you're looking, I think...

So...how do you know he's not gay?

He (TS) also gets a massage. The corporate world's no doubt a wonderful thing; I just don't understand it.
                    *          *          *

VICTOR/VICTORIA......

...William/Wilhemina, whatever. It came in the mail addressed to me. Not to the "Resident" at such and such address - or to the wife, or one of the daughters - but to me:

YOU'LL THINK IT'S CUSTOM MADE
NEW! BIOFIT UPLIFT
Victoria's Secret introduces a bra that feels custom-made just for you. Just for your shape, just for your cup size...

I'd get 10% off. The girls were pretty. One of them (her body turned sideways, a long lock of hair falling over her shoulder saving what was left of modesty) wasn't even wearing a bra. She was showing off the free panties that come with the bra. But it was of a solid fabric, while I prefer some lace in my cup covers, so I've decided to pass.
                    *          *          *

HI THERE!

I had to sign up for a Myspace account, not because I wanted one but to view a friend's page. Signing up got me a page too. I didn't want one but that's what happens. It's a nothing page, as in there's nothing on it and never will be. But, magnet that I am, I have a new "friend" already. I open my email the other day and it says: You've got a new message from Gina on MySpace! Click here to read...

Oh. Gina. Yeah, there had to be one somewhere along the line. I click. There's Gina. Kind of cute. Kind of young. Enough to be my daughter. Granddaughter...

Hello good-looking!

Well, she had the right guy. I must have met her somewhere. Somewhere staid and proper, of course.

I'm a cute single woman looking for a bit of friendly fun. I'm smart, adventurous and outgoing. I also love singing karaoke and going out to bars. I hope you're still single or at least available for to meet a great woman. I won't disappoint. If interested, get back to me, but dont reply directly to the message. I'm actually using my friend's account. I wasn't sure I wanted to do the whole online hook-up thing. So please e-mail me directly at this address: hugznkises_4u@yahoo.

Thanks for your time! see ya'

My reply:

Dear Gina, this is a disappointment. I don't think I meet any of the qualifications. Well, I am smart in my own opinion, and I used to be adventurous and outgoing, but now I like books and the rigors of composition while it's obvious you don't. I do like singing, but I don't know how you'd sing something that sounds like a Japanese soup. I also used to be single but am now its opposite, if you get my drift. I've sworn to some woman that I would love, honor and cherish her till death do me in, and I hope the same for you some day, although it looks like you might be getting off on the wrong foot. Among other things. Since you probably don't read a lot (not the right stuff anyway), I assume you watch plenty of television and ought to be well aware of the dangers in hooking up online. I probably better sign off now since that woman I'm sworn to is real jealous of her territory and I feel guilty even writing this. So with all best wishes for, oh, I don't know...What do I wish for someone like you? I just hope you get knocked off your ass on the way to Damascus. Not quite truly yours, etc.

And if any of you reading this respond to that email address she gave, you're degenerate.

12 comments:

Mama_T said...

"Getting off on the wrong foot?"

Priceless, my dear. Simply pricesless.

TS said...

*grin* Is this payback for my STG from last week where I quoted your approval of the Muslim hadith concerning breasfeeding strangers? :-)

If one makes a distinction between gay and bi-sexual the evidence refutes the former but is nonexistent as to the latter...I don't think I'm paranoid since there are at least 20 people who travel past my cube each day and he's the only one with such intense curiosity.

As for the massage, I stirred the pot by asking the masseuse why only chair massages were available; she said that she thinks the corporation doesn't want people taking all their clothes off at the workplace... Yes, I can see that.

TS said...

Btw, read my post to my wife, as I do many of my posts since otherwise they wouldn't get read. She has a hurt look: "You look at buxom women?" Me: "I'm a guy." She smiles broadly. Then: "you don't lust do you?" "I pray not."

Ellyn said...

We can only hope that she doesn't think "Damascus" is the name of some upscale club. With karaoke.

Lydia McGrew said...

Ellyn's comment about Damascus is great.

Now I definitely know I never want to do myspace. I get enough spam as it is.

Here's a possibility: "Gina" isn't a real, particular person. You were receiving a bulk mailing from a prostitution ring that sends something like that out to every person whose e-mail they can get hold of with a male name.

William Luse said...

Thanks, Terry.

TS, did you notice how studiously everyone avoided my approval of that hadith?

I thought you'd have learned never to reveal such things to your wife. She knows the wandering eye exists, but as long as you don't mention it and she doesn't catch you in the act, she can pretend it doesn't. "You don't lust, do you?" Now, that's the kind of question she already knows the answer to. It's only important that you give the right one, which I presume you did.

Just had to pop my bubble, didn't you Lydia? And yes, Ellyn cracks me up on a regular basis.

TS said...

It's only important that you give the right one, which I presume you did.

I said "I pray not" which is true but (cagily if I do say so myself) doesn't answer the question.

William Luse said...

Yes, and I'm surprised she didn't notice. Or perhaps there's more to the dialogue than you're giving us.

alicia said...

speaking as a wife, sometimes you just have to ignore the evasive answers. but then, of course, thst is a 2 way street - just on other topics (like say, shoes if you are one of the summa mommas, or gourmet cooking equipment if you are me).

TS said...

This will sound jesuitical, but sometimes it's difficult to know where "appreciation" ends and lust begins. I read a long time ago that it's a continuum; no sin to venial sin to moral sin.

William Luse said...

"moral" sin? It's always that, isn't it?

Alicia, the difference is that shoes and cooking equipment have no moral content. But we do appreciate you guys ignoring the evasions.

TS said...

Mortal of course. I'm glad typos aren't mortal sins else I'd be at daily confession.