Worldly Women

Cos-mo-pol-i-tan: 1. belonging to all the world; not limited to the politics, interests or prejudices of one part of the world. 2. of or characteristic of a cosmopolite; worldly; sophisticated...3. completely absorbed in one's self; vain; 4. completely obsessed with one's own sexual persona; promiscuous; 5. complete lack of interest in anything other than 3 or 4.

I made up 3, 4 and 5, but somebody had to do it. Meanings change, and dictionaries have trouble keeping pace. The cover of the current magazine advertises an interview with a girl named Pink: "The Most Badass Chick We've Ever Interviewed." Pink is on the cover. I don't know who Pink is, as in I've never heard of Pink. Pink's wearing a tight grey skirt seemingly held together by metal rods. Her hair is cut very short, like a guy's. It's an unnatural silvery color. The v-neck of her tight grey skirt plunges to her solar plexus. I don't know why she's a badass. When I was growing up, I never heard a girl described that way.

Other articles advertised on the cover:

"100 Facts your Gyno Should Have Told You." This sounds medically useful. But if your gyno is leaving out so many facts, maybe you should consider changing doctors. And, just out of curiosity, what do you need him/her for other than subscriptions for birth control pills?

"Caught With Their Pants Down: you'll die laughing...and vow to lock the door." Frankly, I don't want to know the details, but at least the theme is familiar.

"Sexy New Hair and Makeup Looks." Remove the first word and nobody will read it.

"Stuck in Neutral? Gutsy Little Moves that Will Make Your Life Awesome." Don't bother. This is the only one in which the theme's not familiar. Besides, your life's already awesome. You're a Cosmo girl.

"75 Sex Tips from Guys: Sizzling, Sinful, and Surprising Things They're Craving Now." Get serious. No guy knows more than one or two things, so I'm figuring these tips came from 75 different guys, and that by the time you get to number 10 we're well on the road to perversion. Since the descriptive "Sinful" is sort of a major theme of the magazine, you're probably not put off by it. But if a guy wants to do something to you that you find "surprising," I'd suggest you get out of the building. I say this because "surprising" is likely a euphemism for "shocking," which they will not use to avoid passing judgement upon other people's sexual perversions. Or should that be 'preferences'?

I'm just guessing because I haven't read the article. It might be chock full of 75 perfectly harmless things, like handholding and butterfly kisses, that reinforce the sacred and immortal love between you and the men of your dreams, the ones to whom you are not married and with whom you hope to avoid having any children. I just don't like the odds.

The last one is "Girl Traits No Man Can Resist," the most important of which (IMO) is that you actually are a girl. As a teenager I always felt lucky when the person I put my arm around in the movie theater was a girl. Of course, this magazine is not written for teenagers but grown women, although the terms "men" and "women" do not show up on the cover, just 'girls' and 'guys.' Anyway, if you're one of those women-girls, one, that is, whose interests are not particularly wide-ranging (cosmopolitan) this might be the magazine for you.