Saturday, May 20, 2006

Travelin' Man (cont. (part 4 in a series of indeterminate number) (update) (which means the same thing as 'cont.'))

Hello from the two-syllable town of Armonk, rumored headquarters of IBM, a rumor I have no way of verifying.

Ah, life is hard. She missed the cut again, and is deep down in the dumps. No golf yesterday, a complete weather washout. Today she played better, like a champ, actually, until misfortune befell near the end.

She could probably get in to the Corning Classic or whatever they call it, but she's going to skip it so she can be in Florida when her sister, the ballerina, comes to visit.

Speaking of whom: during dinner at the Outback Steakhouse last night, Bern text-messaged her sister that she, Bern - like all the other girls in the tournament - had been made a gift of a bracelet from Tiffany's, courtesy of the tournament sponsors. Her sister (who is very poor) texted back: "U bitch. U are so spoiled. What does it look like? Have diamonds?" No, said Bern, just sterling silver, about 130 dollars worth. Sister: "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Some lady reporter from a local paper corralled Bern when she came off the putting green yesterday. She was doing a feature story on what the LPGA ladies like to take onto the golf course as snacks to keep the energy up. Bern's answer: "Well, I like pretty much anything with chocolate in it." I think that's about as far as it got. I can't figure out who would want to read about such stuff, but there must be somebody or they wouldn't have assigned a reporter to cover it. Probably a girl thing.

- Speaking of girls - Pansy has been suffering from something called morning sickness. (I used to get it after drinking too much the night before.) She, however gets it everyday, doesn't like it, resents it actually, and has "a theory": if men got morning sickness, there would be an aisle in CVS dedicated to morning sickness remedies, in between allergy medicine, headache remedies, and Pepto Bismal. But...what if there is no remedy?

Further evidence of resentment: Or how about this, does your average man, not good husband person who has seen this and gets it, just men in general even, or to be fair, just people really know how debilitating morning sickness is? And if we did all know this, how would it help in alleviating morning sickness? I'm just asking some logical man questions here. Her comment box, where no man has dared set foot, is full of support from currently or formerly pregnant women. After using some words no man knows the meaning of - like "hyperemesis gravidarum" - she enumerates the symptoms: plain ole fatigue and nausea, not knowing what to eat, not having energy, any movement or things with lights makes you seasick, smelling everything around wayyy too much... Yep, sounds just like what I used to get after a night of too much...

At the end she asks forgiveness for subjecting us to her complaints. What about it guys? Should we? Remember - she's a woman, she's pregnant, and there's that seventy times seven thing.

- Somewhat in contrast to Pansy's fecundity was the situation on a Home Improvement rerun on one of the 8 channels we get in this 120 dollar a night motel. Our hero (whose name I can't remember; he's played by Tim Allen but I haven't seen enough episodes to remember anyone) was apparently under some pressure to get a vasectomy. Why I don't know. I guess they found children threatening, even though they already had some. Anyway, he was finally coaxed by his adorably average but insurmountably wise wife (which is how it always works in these days of wimpy husbands) into admitting that his reluctance was due to a primeval presentiment that, should he undergo the surgery, he might feel like "less of a man." (Which sounds like a pretty normal response to me.) But, counters his annoyingly insightful soulmate, if I had my tubes tied, would you consider me less of a woman? Why, of course not, he says, without a moment's thought. Well then...and he sees at once the error of his ways and agrees to the snip. I realize that fashionable shows only remain that way by catering to fashion, and yet I still half expected him to say, "Yes, I would see you as less of a woman. You don't want children and you've had yourself permanently sterilized. How does this make you the same woman you were before?" Sometimes I live in a dream world.

One other little thing about our motel (or "Inn" as they call themselves). Yesterday morning we couldn't brush our teeth or take a shower because when we turned on the faucets in the sink and tub, and when we flushed the toilet, brown water poured from the first two and bubbled up in the third. Deeply dark brown water. We did not speculate out loud on the source of the brown. It was later fixed, the water now crystal clear again, but ever since I have not been able to make myself take a drink of it.

We haven't yet figured out what the 120 dollars is paying for.

-Another blogger with whom we are somewhat fondly familiar fixates briefly (if that's possible) on the problem of hand position during the 'Our Father.' He prefers the palms up but will go with the priestly palms forward "if that is indeed part of the rubrics." I do see people lifting their hands as if they'd wandered into a Benny Hinn traveling salvation show, but what I mostly see is people wanting to hold hands. Rubrics shmubrics. Try my position. It's called 'palms in the pockets.' If I don't know you, why would I want to hold hands with you? And why is it you only want to hold hands with me in church? Why don't you hold my hand in the parking lot in lieu of your usual technique of either laying on your horn or trying to run me over with your car in your hurry to get out of there? Furthermore, since upwards of 70% of so-called Catholics support artificial birth control and a potpourri of other heresies both moral and theological, what are the odds I'd actually be holding hands with someone who shares with me the unity of faith? Furtherfurthermore, I have no idea where your hands have been prior to your appearance in church. But I do know this: over 40% of men do not wash their hands after using the restroom. The percentage is somewhat less for women. I saw this on one of those TV newsmagazines, so it's probably infallible. Think about it next time your brother Catholic reaches out to touch you. As far as I know, there's nothing in the rubrics requiring a congregation to form a human daisy chain or float their arms skyward during the Our Father. Someone'll probably dig something up to prove me wrong, but considering the apparent freedom the Church gives us these days to disagree on things of far greater import, my hands stay in my pockets unless your name bears the imprint of my immediate family.

There is another position you could try. Place your hands, palms together, in front of your chest and slightly beneath the chin. This is called an attitude of prayer. It's out of fashion, so don't be surprised if people stare.

- I wanted to tell you about the retarded guys who work at the local supermarket (which is a good thing, I want it known before you jump all over my ass) trying to get a flowercart through the automatic door, but I'm worn out.


TS said...

At the risk of beating a dead horse, I think the position of the hands is diocese-specific since when I went to Mass in New Symrna Beach, there was no "upright and locked" position of said hands.

My hunch is that our diocese saw that in the past so many were holding hands (which, like any heterosexual male, I wouldn't want to do with just anybody and in fact the list would be quite limited) made this new rubric so there could be uniformity. The funny thing is that some people still hold hands. You can lead a horse to water...(I just used up my annual quota of comment-box horse analogies for the year.)

TS said...

And regarding your "hands in pocket" position, I'll never forget 8th grade when Sister Ruth accused us guys of playing with ourselves when we had our hands in our pockets. In 8th grade I was still as asexual as an eunuch but no doubt some of my compadres (one of whom it was rumored needed to shave already) were more advanced.

William Luse said...

That sister had a dirty mind.

Ellyn said...

Yes, you are so right about the morning sickness. Pansy doesn't need my forgiveness...she can complain all she wants! Morning sickness has to be one of the most debilitating conditions known to humanity. (The drinking analogy is right. I used to try to describe morning sickness as a vicious gin induced hangover that lasts about 3 and a half months. That's where it gets can tough out just about anything if you know you'll be feeling better tomorrow. But when you know tomorrow will be the same....oh, brother. So you know there is a reason women subject themselves to this. The sacrifice is worth it!!!) That's not to say that I don't have some psychic battle scars after six beautiful babes. I fear nausea more than pain. When I was recently in the hospital I didn't get the urge to bolt until the nurse talked about post-op nausea control. Then I got scared. But....then again...I might just go through it all again if I could...the baby thing, that is.

PS - Have I ever mentioned that during one pregnancy that the smell of fresh air on my children when they came in from play made me puke? On the spot? Yeah, that's the kind of thing Pansy is talking about in regards to smelling everything...

William Luse said...

Well, I'm glad someone stopped by to explain it. (Not that I understand it.) Almost sounds like the baby's five senses amplify the mother's, but in a not particularly organized fashion. I'm also glad you gals think the baby is worth the burden. Otherwise, I might not be here.

smockmomma said...

i thought you weren't supposed to hold your hands up at all -- i read that it started as a way for us poor lay folk to be more like the priest. the folks at our church, including myself, hold the out of fashion position of prayer. ...of course, it helps us welcome visitors after mass -- as we know them because they are the ones doing the hand holding and/or lifting thingie.

William Luse said...

That's what I thought too. But what do I know? Just wish our church did it like yourn.

TS said...

We weren't supposed to but now we are. Go figure. This came out of those new GIRM rules so I'm surprised it isn't across the whole country.

Other things we have to do now is bow during one part of the Nicea Creed (at the mention of the Incarnation). There is also bowing before taking Communion. I think there's one other thing but I forget.

TS said...

Regarding morning sickness (not to mention childbirth and menustration), it seems a no-brainer to say that women physically suffer more than men. And while it's not cause and effect, it's often the case that suffering makes you a better person -- which means that on balance women should be better people than men.

William Luse said...

Does this mean it's a girm that spreads?

I thought we already had to bow at the mention of the Holy Ghost. Bowing at the Incarnation may be something that got lost and they're trying to bring back. I think I remember doing it as a kid. An Episcopalian kid.

You think I don't know the right thing to say? Of course they're better people (on balance). But while exercising their goodness, they are also the masters of ambiguity. Here are some keys to finding your way (sent to me by a female):

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end with "Fine."

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!!!!

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!