And the Lord God began to repent in His heart that He had ever made Ohio, and thought to make its denizens wander 40 days and 40 nights in the Western wilderness that they might merge with California, for every imagination of their mind and word of their mouth was naught but wickedness and vanity, and He would as soon consign them to the moral desert of liberal perdition. "What good thing can come," He asked, "out of a place that raises up on the earth Dennis Kucinich and the Cincinnati Bengals?"
"But, Lord," I begged, "will You not spare them if but one good man could be found in all the state?" - then closed my eyes and drifted off into a prayer and alcohol-induced slumber, conking out in mid-Lord's Prayer: "...as we forgive those who trespasssszzz..."
And the Lord God in His mercy looked down upon the earth and searched in His might from the Ohio River to the shores of Lake Erie, and found stuck somewhere in the midst of the vastness one TS O'Rama, and announced to the assembled heavenly host growing impatient with Ohio's slothfulness at counting votes in a timely manner:
"Behold, any man who can pray, drink German beer, and watch election returns at the same time is a man worth saving. And yea, see how he has repented the evil ways of his youth and returned to the Faith of his fathers; he has slain his libido to the resurrection of his soul; he has put all at naught for My sake, and even finds time to write godly poetry and thoughtly thoughts for a Catholic weblog in My service. How much more, then, shall I put him to My purpose to inspire the hearts of a great multitude grown weary of this talk of the marrying of sodomites and all other manner of abomination? They shall go forth in a great company to cast their ballots and the apostate Kerry into the belly of the swine, who, by believing one thing while professing another, would adorn himself in the robes of my Son's great gift as would a wolf in sheep's clothing. Therefore shall Ohio, which was lost, be found."
And that's my theory as to how our nation was for a time, not saved, but reprieved from the liberal perfidy.
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Comments:
Hilarious. LOL at the Kucinich and Bengal line. When you put it that way we are rather forsaken here aren't we?
Of course, the true scenario went thus - God said: "Should I save Ohio despite the slothful efforts of my half-ass'd servant O'Rama, who kept putting off any motion that could be detected as 'getting out the vote'"?
To be serious for a minute, I wonder if partisans like myself turn off as many undecideds as they turn on? No one likes to be told who to vote for. Or so that was my slothful rationale for avoiding door-to-door combat.
Posted by TSO email at November 5, 2004 09:15 AM
The reason only Fox news and NBC called Ohio was that Kerry's campaign called all the other networks and asked them to hold off. Reportedly they didn't want to lose momentum - though how you can lose momentum after the polls are closed is beyond me.
Posted by Jeff Miller email at November 5, 2004 01:08 PM
Interesting bit of news, Jeff. Didn't know it but am not surprised.
O'Rama, modest as always.
Posted by William Luse email at November 6, 2004 02:37 AM
This is inspiring me to write about a certain hurricane-tested blogger who lives along that famously important I-4 corridor in FLA...hmmm...but how to do so such that it won't look like a blatant rip-off.
Printed it off for my wife and she got a big kick out of it. Said you are quite the writer, but then your readers already know that.
Posted by TSO email at November 7, 2004 02:12 PM
I think your wife has pretty good taste. My own wife has a similar opinion, only it goes more like this: "You're on the computer too much. Why don't you quit the writing."
By the way, I don't know it for a certainty, but along that I-4 corridor, I think Bush failed to carry Orange County. Orlando, in other words.
Posted by William Luse email at November 8, 2004 02:45 AM
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