No, this is not a quarrelsome post about sex-ed in the high schools.

I did an awful thing today, yesterday by now. After sitting at the computer for a few hours trying to get something written, my energy level maintained by nothing but coffee, I was interrupted by an AOL female buddy via IM who wished to inform me that she was at that moment drooling over a latticework-encrusted cherry pie made for her by her mother. I think she may have been acting as God's instrument (or the devil's), for she had served to remind me of how ravenously hungry I was.

I got up and headed for the kitchen and started throwing a few things together. It was midafternoon by now, and soon my wife pulled into the driveway, home from work. "I'll make some for her too," I thought, my generosity stoked by the aroma of things cooking, and whipped up some more batter in the bowl.

She came through the door lugging an armful of folders and such, a purse slung over her shoulder. She stopped in her tracks and looked at me in disbelief. I smiled.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I got a wild hair. I'm making pancakes, and I'm making some for you, too. Ain't that a nice treat after a hard day's work?"

Her mouth was hanging open. She laid her burden on the kitchen table and turned back around. It was still hanging open. I was a little disappointed at the lack of gratitude. She had that look on her face, you know the one they get, that incredibly incredulous look. Only a woman can get it. Patricia Wheaton of "Everybody Loves Raymond" has it just about perfected.

"What is that?" she asked.

"What is what?" I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what, so had no choice but to play stupid.

"That." She reached over and pointed at the iron skillet.

"That's sausage," I said. "I can throw a couple more in..."

She just kept on with that look, honing it. "This," she enunciated carefully, "is a day of fast and abstinence."

"A day of what?" I was kind of trapped in stupid mode.

"You heard me."

"Oh yeah," I slapped myself on the forehead. "Uh..how do those work again exactly?"

"Two small meals, one moderate, no meat."

I stared at the frying pan and the two little pork juicies sizzling in the bottom. They smelled good. Real good. "What about the pancakes?" I whined. They were in the teflon pan on the front burner.

She leaned over to scrutinize. "They're pretty thick," she said. "You can have them, but they'll have to be your main meal."

That's the way I like them, thick, not melt-in-your-mouth thin. I did some quick calculating and realized it was a hell of a long way to midnight. The only answer was to throw another cake on the griddle.

"A moderate meal," she cautioned. "You simply can't pig out on Ash Wednesday."

I gritted my teeth. "That one's for you," I said, squeezing it out.

"Why thank you." She paused, then leaned closer to examine me. "Have you eaten today?"

I shook my head, whipped. She looked at the coffee pot. "How many cups have you had?"

I stared at the wall over the stove. " 'Bout four. Maybe five."

"That's sustenance," she said. "That'll have to count as a small meal."

Midnight was now a receding pinprick of light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

"Goddam, have some mercy, would you?"

"You mean like they had for Jesus?" she asked.

Ah, women and wives. What would we do and where would we be without them? Nothing and nowhere, on the road to perdition. I left the sausages in the pan on the stove for the rest of the day and all night, just so I could stare at them every time I walked into the kitchen. You can guess what happened to them when midnight rolled around. I'm looking forward to Friday.

 ______________________

Comments:
Awww, Bill!
Do you know how Jesus and his Blessed Mom are smiling down on you guys?
Your sweetness wasn't wasted. When you cooked it for your wife, in a sense you were cooking it for Jesus, too.
Posted by KTC email at February 26, 2004 06:33 AM

my favorite Ash Wednesday strategy is to put a bunch of vegetables and a can of chopped tomatoes in the crockpot. That is soup for whatever/whenever the main meal is (noon or evening). But yesterday I made potato soup instead. breakfast is dry toast, main meal is soup, and other meal is cheese and fruit. Just enough to keep the edge off.
Posted by alicia email at February 26, 2004 08:21 AM

Since Zteen and I are home (I don't think I'd try it if I were working outside the home), we decided to try going without food AT ALL on Ash Wednesday and all the Fridays of Lent. I am not, however, giving up my carbonated calorie free caffeine, since that would be more a penance for my husband, and I don't think I get to pick his sacrifices! :0)
Zteen drank one root beer when he got shaky--about midafternoon. So we both considered our first day a success!
I'll tell you, though, the Special K tasted DELICIOUS this morning!
Posted by Terry email at February 26, 2004 09:34 AM

I'm sure whoever wrote to you about that cherry pie is now wracked with guilt.
Posted by PeonyMoss email at February 26, 2004 09:57 AM

Not to perpetuate your current attitude of wound-licking, but Sir Dylan once called for Patricia (Ray's wife Deborah) to be publicly kicked through a goalpost!
Posted by KTC email at February 26, 2004 01:30 PM

To bastardize the old saying, "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder"!
Posted by TSO email at February 26, 2004 01:34 PM

Terry, I did a double-take at your comment! I'm now used to thinking of "Special K" as your blog sister... :)
Posted by TSO email at February 26, 2004 01:36 PM

i love mary helyn more and more every time i read about her. you should post about her more often. she is so off da hook. in fact, she's my heroin with an "e" foshizzle.
Posted by smockmomma email at February 26, 2004 02:40 PM

TSO! Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaaa!
Well, you know, of course, that us Catholics are accused of cannibalism!
Tee hee!
Posted by Terry email at February 26, 2004 03:04 PM

I need the positive reinforcement of working in a rectory. I half a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread. (And I didn't even toast the bread as I usually do!)
My husband did well while I was gone. Tomato soup for the main meal. (Of course, he scorched it and left the pan soaking in the sink....where it could be a temptation for me to lose my charitable intentions....)
Posted by Ellyn email at February 26, 2004 07:22 PM

Been away all day. Didn't get home from forming the next generation of our nation's leaders till 10 P.M. Then had to have a beer before anything else.---Peony, somehow I doubt it. The only way we'll know for sure is if guilt leads to confession.---TSO, that was my first reaction: I thought Terry had eaten her blogmate.
Posted by Willliam Luse email at February 27, 2004 01:09 AM

I had to have a certain nasty uncomfortable test done on Ash Wednesday morning, and the nurse had told me I couldn't eat for 12 hours before it. I thought (still think) she was mistaken, but it was easier to skip breakfast when someone else had told me to, and of course that entitled me to a slice of toast in the evening.
Mr. Luse, my condolences.
Posted by Jane Wangersky email at February 27, 2004 02:38 AM

Thanks, Jane, and sorry to hear about the test (all is well, I trust?), but, knowing you had to go through it makes my own deprivations more tolerable. I can't stand the thought of a woman suffering. I don't know why.
Posted by Willliam Luse email at February 27, 2004 03:14 AM

Well, guess what?
Today's the first Friday of Lent, and I was completely prepared to doctor up some Campbell's NE Clam Chowder with leftover frozen seafood for dinner.
As side dishes, I planned Caesar Salad and box mac-and-cheese spiked with tuna and peas. (I ate that all the time when I was single, and I added canned--"slug"--mushrooms, too!).
So this morning as I brewed the morning coffee, I reached into the fridge and chowed down on a giant piece of last night's lasagna!
Never even knew what hit me!
Well, nobody else in the family wanted the Clam Chowder, anyway...
Posted by KTC email at February 27, 2004 07:09 AM

on confessions: i'd eaten a handful of lucky charms marshmallows this morning before i realized it was friday. certainly pink hearts, colorful rainbows and mystery balloons don't count as sustenance. do they?
Posted by smockmomma email at February 27, 2004 11:18 AM

No way do Lucky Charms count as sustenance in any way, shape or form. Eating them ought to count as penance in itself.
Posted by Lee Anne Millinger email at February 27, 2004 04:49 PM

Sugar don't count, Micki. Bernadette's given up sugar for Lent. I'm going to bring home some Krispy Kremes just to see how she holds up.
Posted by William Luse email at February 27, 2004 04:56 PM

I'm fine, thank you, Mr. L. The test was just standard middle-aged lady stuff; since you don't like to hear of any of us suffering discomfort, I shouldn't say any more about it, except that it gave me a little something extra to offer up.
Posted by Jane Wangersky email at February 27, 2004 06:33 PM

Glad to hear it.
Posted by William Luse email at February 27, 2004 06:36 PM

Dear Sir,
For future battles, keep in your armament the official regulations of the Catholic so-called "fast" (two small meals and a moderate meal puh-leese). According to Lenten regulations, while the food passing your lips is regulated, fluids (very wisely) are not (except inasmuchas they cannot be made from flesh--boullion etc.). So you could have had 15 cups of coffee and according to fast regulations it doesn't count for anything. I mean milk and juice don't count for anything according to the fast regulations.
But then, a Catholic Fast is a complex phenomenon meant to guide the weak into the way of God and not really meant to impose hardship. I suppose we should be thankful for it.
shalom,
Steven
Posted by Steven Riddle email at March 1, 2004 06:48 PM

The fluid thing is complicated, Steven. I put honey and milk in the coffee. I'll give your suggestion a try, but then we'll have two sets of rules around here - the Church's rules and my wife's, the latter somewhat but not precisely approximating the former. Whose do you think will prevail?
Posted by William Luse email at March 1, 2004 11:59 PM

Dear Bill,
If you are wise, you will bend to the fiercer more authoritarian authority. After all, you don't HAVE to live in a Church.
shalom,
Steven
Posted by Steven Riddle email at March 2, 2004 06:44 PM

:~)
Posted by William Luse email at March 3, 2004 01:02 AM